|Posted by More Than Me on October 15, 2011 at 9:55 AM|
I woke up with this on my spirit and I had to share it. I've put myself in a lot of positions I didn't want to be in because of this unknown fear in me that incouraged me to say Yes, despite my reservations. I could have saved myself a whole lot of pain and anguish by saying no to fear. Fear is of the enemy and I don't want to afraid of my own excellence and my own shadow. By saying no to fear, I'm claiming my life and emancipating myself from its mastery.
I was a prideful and scared sinner and lived as best I could in the shelter of both. What I learned as I got older is that I wasn't living a life at all. I was just surviving. My head was barely above water and I was spirit was gasping for air, gasping for life. The love God had (and still has) for me I couldn't see because I was blinded by the lack of love for myself. My prideful shell didn't show I lacked love for me, but on the inside I knew.
I drank heavily and fornicated regularly. Despite my past and what has happened to me throughout my life, my body was not the temple to me that it should have been and I thank God for carrying me when I couldn't or wouldn't carry myself.
If my words are of help to anyone, that is all I can ask for. When I was younger, I didn't think I had a voice anyone was willing to listen to, so I said and did things they couldn't or wouldn't pass over. Being molested as a child, I didn't have a lot of reservations to sex and sexual acts. It's not that I wanted to do them, I just didn't care one way or the other if I did them. If a boy wanted to touch me inappropriately, most of the time I let them if they could ever catch me alone.
My spirit was ripped apart by the acts I let myself be privy too, and now as it's becoming whole again I look back as see all the times and places I should have said no. All the drunken nights when I barely made it home and would fall asleep at the wheel, I should have said no. I thank God for seeing me through that too. I thank him especially for me not injuring anyone other than myself in my drunken plights with anything more than a word.
No is a powerful word. Even though I may have said No when I was being raped and it didn't stop the attacker, at least I still had some fight in me. At least I didn't lose all of my spirit or else right now, I would be dead. I would have died a long time ago. Though sometimes I feel some parts of me are dead and won't ever come back, I am glad for the parts of me that are alive and sustains me.
I want you to know, it's okay to say NO. I wish I did it more in my youth, but there is still plenty to say no to in my adulthood. The enemy never sleeps and he is just waiting for me to give in to his intimidation and fear. It's so easy to live the life of death that he wants me too, but I choose to live the life God has promised me abundantly. I choose to be free of fear, intimidation, condemnation, society's pressures, and most of all I choose express my freedom with God's love and his blessings.